Depths of my broken heart.

Between the thin line of my broken heart, there lies a silent whisper of longing for love.

I spent my days and weeks at this time last year, depressed about my newly broken heart. Nothing went into my little head during school. I failed my tests and did badly for exams. All because I was trying so hard to push the memories of my ex away from my head. But I ended up drowning in my memory-filled mind. Choke on the tears that made me pick up the blade.
Pain for pain. Blood for tears.
I numb my heart. My mind. My life. Pushed everything away.
Forget.

Till… I’m left with a broken vessel of body that zombie through my daily activities.
Put on a smile and masquerade in the darkness and hurt within.
A period of toska.
Fell into the deep, sweet abyss that left me paralyzed. I don’t know who I became.
I questioned myself. Who was I? How do I settle this? How do i…? Why? Why do I always do things that break my heart into tiny facets?

This year, this time. I did something so stupid. History repeating.
That I… Broke me again.
I had a broken heart.
Now, a broken body.
I was afraid. I still am.
But I was willing to try.
Open my heart up.

Maybe dreams are just dreams.
But it holds a special meaning to me.
My dreams tells me things.
Gives me some warning.
Yet, I could not phantom some till it happened.
I could have changed things.
I could have.
These 2 nights. I dreamt of you.
It hurts. What happened in the dream…
I don’t want you to drift away from me.
I don’t.
I can’t find the words to tell you what I want to say.
I have feelings for you.
But I can’t say how much.
My heart beats a little faster like butterfly wings. No wait. Eagle wings, with the anticipation that I’m going to see you.
Our conversations. They run through my head like a film on replay.
I just wasn’t ready to open the doors wide to my heart. I didn’t want to lose us.
But I lost you. I feel like I did.
You pushed.
The doors slightly ajar. You peeped in.
I was pacing, confused and overwhelmed by the questions in the wall.
People knocking on the window outside.
You were in the house.
Just outside my cracked door. 
So close yet so distantly far.

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