Not all is said.

Dear you,

Why is your heart fighting with your head? Your heart clearly needs dhil. Yet, your mind and body is not ready for a relationship. You are already missing him so fast. Shouldn’t you be okay with the fact that he put it down that you guys are best friends? Why do you feel like this? It may be an “unofficial breakup” but its what he needs. Put yourself in his shoes. Could you even bare to see him with some other girl? No right? That’s how he feels.

What do you really want? You can’t think. You feel numb. Yet… Your heart hurts? What is WRONG with you?! You tried. You push everyone else away. But to him? You fought. Yet.. You still feel like this?

Thinking about cutting, pills and sitting on the edge of high rise building aren’t you? Want to do it all right in the edge. Cause you don’t want the pain. You hold back. Then you try to let it go… But it doesn’t leave. It stays and keep your feelings constantly torturing you.

The pain… It makes you… YOU. Hidden dark sides. Even when he tells you he will stay but only leave if your future holds no place for him in your love life. You felt like the time your ex put the bracelet in your hands and you opened and saw it. You went hysterical. Your eyes are filled with tears. You feel choked. Your heart aches and contracts so tightly, you can’t BREATHE.

I know you want to be in bed covered in your blanket hugging your pillow to your chest and let tears trickle down your cheeks and let it get absorbed by your bolster.

Because that’s how it has always been with you. You try to cover your chest. Hide your broken heart. Protect it. And yet.. You feel so vulnerable. Unsafe. It still hurts. You don’t know what to do. You close your eyes. What you don’t see is not what happen. As long as you don’t see it. You don’t have to believe its happening. You start building forts. Barricades, the whole lot of walls around. That’s how you handle it.

You want to tell him you’re afraid. You’re missing him. That you want him to be okay. That you don’t mind hurting if he is better than fine. Its what he needs. Though you are confused and pained with it. You have to accept that. Accept that it hurts him. You hurt him. Its only Right you are hurting now. That he need his time to be able to let go of you, if you ever have someone else. You know that the future scares you. You can’t, won’t think of it. That’s why.

The voices are back. So are the dark ones. Are they holding your hand to lead you to the hell that awaits? Your zombie lifeless days? Are you pulling away? What are you going to do now?
Sacrifice. Like you believe… Love is sacrificial.

Yours faithfully, Me.


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