Survive

I have been feeling unbearably vulnerable these few weeks. It doesn’t seem to reduce to the point of not breaking and holding the tears back.

Flashbacks keep coming to me and my heart would hit against the insides of my chest. Making me feel the fear of my very own living heart.
I could feel it now. As I type. As you read this, I’m feeling so exposed. Like how a girl would feel being stripped of her clothes and raped in a painful way.

Though it wasn’t to the point of being raped. But doesn’t being sexually harrased give the same fear? I felt my chastity stripped off me when he… No. I didn’t want to think of it. Can you imagine the pain and fear that made me shiver in silence?
Even now. I still stiffen at the touch of a friend. My insides scream at me. I have a mental breakdown. But I have to pick me up. Put on a mask and carry on life.

I hyperventilate at the flashbacks. I tear up. I still blame myself, for not being strong enough to protect me.
I’m still weak. I’m not strong. At that point when I was held, I felt all my strength and energy drain out of me.
If I was pinned down, even by a friend now, I would be as weak as that time I was violated.

I would still try to fight back. But I know that if I’m pushed too far, i would let go.
As I’m falling into the abyss, yet again,  surrounded by the sweet sounds of black silence. Sitting there, knees hugged to my chest. Protecting myself, I tell myself..
“I survived.”

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