Home is not a place

I don’t know why. But lately.. I feel so off. My dreams. My life.

Just this morning. When I woke, my mom told me something. I really didn’t know to be disappointed or pissed off. I was skeptical about things. I was confused.
I had one broken family. I don’t want to go through it again. I didn’t know to believe it or just… I don’t know. I can’t cry. I numbed myself.
How do I react when my mom tells me that my stepdad has been cheating with another women? Do I believe it? Or do I remain silent and side my mom. Or simply dont bother. I wonder who is the problem now. My mom or my dad. Since it has happened the second time.

I have a week to finals. I don’t need things to be screwing me up at this point. I already have my own problems with the one I love.
Looking at what is happening, makes me afraid that when I get married it would be the same. I don’t want to make my parent’s mistakes.

I don’t know what happened between us. I am confused at why he suddenly shut me off. We stopped talking. He last seen my text. Its been a week. How much more can my heart take before i break? Though I know that this Wednesday we would be meeting to talk things out, I have no idea the least of what to expect. So many insecurities. So many questions. But I don’t know if Im ready to know the answers that might break me or pull me up. I am afraid.

My chest hurts physically. I feel lethargic. I can’t seem to get out of this thick fog of fatigue that has settled upon me every time something bad happens.
I hope he knows I need him. That I can’t stop thinking about him. That… I have never love someone like this before. Not even close. I worry about him. I… Love him.
Things aren’t going right in my life. But he made it better when I go out with him or even spend a few hours with him at night. Making me laugh. I can’t stop looking into his eyes. His smile so sweet, like honey.
He doesn’t know that my heart beats so fast that it melts like ice in summer.
The smile he puts on my face is like a mother smiling lovingly at her child.
I may not be good with speaking out loud and I may not be good at expressing my feelings. But I hope he knows…

Just a few nights ago… I dreamt of you. That we got what happened between us settled. Somehow. But we went more than that. We held hands and kissed.
All I know is that.. The last time I had a similar dream, we had gone from whatever we had to more than that (even the part where I dreamt that you kissed my cheeks – but in a different scenario).
I’m only getting snippets of clues from this dream. I just hope that it will turn out better. I can’t do it if things go horribly wrong the other way. He don’t know that I put my home in him…


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