Letter of self absence

I always had this thinking.
That I would have to leave a letter of explanation before I leave. Permanently.
And the day I write the letter is when I have decided that I would be ready to go.

Many times, I asked myself when I would write the letter. A suicide letter. Leave it behind for the ones that cares. But, I don’t know. Does anyone care?
I can’t decide how I would write it.
What would I say? Explain why I did it?
I can’t count the number of years I spent thinking about death. Somehow, when I want to stop, it comes back.

I knew it was stupid. I knew that… Somehow, I would rather be in a accident and be hospitalized, than to have left forever. Thinking about my ideal future was holding me up. But I can feel myself losing hope. Losing things I need in my life. Losing myself. Eventually.

I don’t think the pain leaves.
It just fades to the point where its manageable.
To the point of dull aching
I never thought I could be happy.
But you made me happy. Genuinely happy.
But it seems like I was right.
“Happiness never last”
Maybe its just me. I need someone who loves me, to fix me up. Fill the void. Make me feel whole. Cause I thought that I could do the same for the person who loves me. Am I expecting too much?

I know that I am going through the torturous phase. But I can’t help it.
I would come up with “we could be”
And have my heart shatter at the truth. I would pull out memories, make me think about it and indirectly hurt myself like I always did.

I know that I would turn back into the zombie again. Walk through life without seeing it. Hold the penknife in my hands, stare at it. Press the blade down into my skin. Let the tears blur my vision. Let everything flow out of me.

I hope that I would collapse. That my emotional turmoil would take me into a place of sweet darkness. My mind brought to the sounds of hallucinations that someone cares. When my heart objects to the knowledge and I’m left to curl up and protect what’s left of my broken heart. Hoping that the void would be filled one day. If there is ever that day…


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