Being quiet

Lately I’ve been so quiet. I just don’t feel like talking. Neither do i pay attention to my surroundings. Consumed by my own mind.
Making my body exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained.

I don’t know why, I think of you day and night. From the moment my eyes open in the morning and before my body rest at night.
You are the core of my mind. Thoughts revolve around you.

I met my best friend today. We caught up over breakfast and mall walking. Grades and our future and how much tertiary education changed all our secondary school classmates but we are the only ones that remained the same and probably would not change either in poly, were all being spoken of. We definitely scooped up on our love life.
She asked if I had someone and I explained briefly about him. She could see me broken but did not say anything about it. Instead she said that she remembers how silent I was when I’m angry when i told her that I barely speak these days.
She continued telling me that I shouldn’t be waiting for him, show him that I can be independent and enjoy life without anyone, cause then, he would want to be part of my life. But I wondered.
Sure, being free and single can pretty much save getting a broken heart. But, how do you feel free when you silently love someone and have subconsciously tied yourself to them without them noticing?
She went on telling me I’m a great person and should enjoy life and that i deserve someone great too. A relationship takes an effort of two people. He has to make an effort if he wants me, pass all the insecurities and deterrence.
I nodded and took it in. As she told me again not to hang around.
I know I shouldn’t. Let go of the rope, but I’m afraid of falling not knowing where I’ll land.

But I still did it anyways.
Lately, maybe its me and maybe its not, but I felt a change in his attitude towards me at work. I shared it with lels and she told me that I’m not seeing that he is trying to push and put the friend boundary line. I thought about it long and hard and admitted that I didn’t want to face up to it. This is what made me wait for him at work till he finished and walk home with him. Now I feel completely idiotic and stupid.

But I took my first step today. I walked out of the office when I ended. I didn’t know how to feel. I thought about what he thought and felt about it. Is he relieved? Did he finally have the chance to feel free of me? What is he thinking? The answers, I’ll never know. But I really wanted to know if he miss me like how I do. He didn’t say anything about the chocolate with a post it I left on his laptop. I didn’t ask.

I don’t know why I have been crying for no reason at night. I feel so hollow, empty and dreadfully sad.
I smell his scent at random times. I want to be embraced in his arms. And maybe definitely think about him way too often.
So I made a vow to myself. I vowed that I can love him silently in my own way. But not show it as much as I can, keep quiet and look at him as much as i want without getting caught and try to go home content that I have seen him. My nights are darker than what it seems but at least its the least I can do to punish myself without hurting myself physically.

It hurts. How can i explain how it is like to feel it this way? I need an escape. But every time I think of my sanctuary that I can go to, I think of sitting on its railings. It sounds crazy. But, my heart seems to long for the feeling of being on the edge with my thoughts out of control. To know that looking down with life walking around way below me that doesn’t know my presence being on the verge of being so close to the sky is so amazingly tempting. 

I guess some things just takes time to heal, some time will tell. Some needs a miracle.
I need a miracle.


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