Fall into hysterical pain

“Be careful what you wish for.”

Sounds familiar doesn’t it? That was what went through my mind when I have sat up from my fall.

Wednesday Morning. A #nowandbeyond adventure as I would call it. To Pulau Ubin.

Lels, Dhil and I.

Being me, I was… sorta excited, blissed out. 2 of my best-est friends. One… more significant but not my lover – long story on this one, but most poems are on him so… you know, just hoping- Can you imagine my happiness on this trip? I think, on any trip with his presence I would have a heart filled with so much mixed feelings that I can’t contain.

Any ways, the day before…

We had slots – work, all of us work at the same place- and we all waited for time to pass so that we could start the movie party. I had 2 classes and I was the last one to finish up the late night class. so, after packing up and clearing up, we went to shower and set up the movie essentials. The whole bunch of food and sleeping bag and projectors.

We started with Horrible Bosses 2. I was so against the idea of that cause, I hate horror and to watch horror with nothing to laugh about to put it off my mind before I sleep is a no-no. Nuh-uh. But, I was left with no choice. They totally set me up with this. It was pretty awesome cause Dhil sounded like Dale and we had a big laugh about it. All the jokes and nonsense. But it wasn’t for long when the next movie was…

The ward. Huh. Horror. What a horror. It wasn’t as bad as I thought but, I really, REALLY HATE JUMP SCARES and there were quite a few of it. ARGHHHHHH!!!! I screamed so many times. The both of them was scared not cause of the jump scares but my screams. Hell. I was talking so much cause I was so nervous watching the movie. But I survived. At least for now.

I really didn’t want to sleep. Okay, Maybe I did. But, I was fantasizing about him hugging me to sleep. Yes, My fantasies are very unrealistic and wild. I always wanted one of my fantasy to be real. But, I guess… It stays as imagination. They don’t happen in real life. That feeling sums up how a kid finds out that Santa isn’t real.

So, Dhil was going to sleep on the floor with beanbags when there is a mattress? A huge one at that? REALLY?! But I manage to convince him up to the mattress and he was on my left. I mean, He is slightly sick and the floor is cold and the air-con is on for God’s sake. He didn’t have a sleeping bag like me and lels. I just… couldn’t bear to see him curled on the floor cold and not have any warmth. I wanted to open up my sleeping bag and share it with him, but let’s just say – Its a poor excuse but – I just didn’t want to get rejected by him again. Especially not from him. So I tried to close my eyes and sleep, toss and turned but I barely slept. I felt like I didn’t finish what I needed to and it felt so uncomfortable.

I spent most of my night tossing and turning. Finally I could not take it anymore and I got up, unzipped my sleeping bag, hoped Dhil was asleep and lay half my sleeping bag on him. Then I went to take my charger to charge my phone. I got back to under my other half of my sleeping bag, but I still kept worrying if he would toss away his part of the sleeping bag. I’m a worrier but to be so worried about someone you care about deeply, Is that how love feels like?

Even though we are not as close as we were, I still care about him. I think of him all the time. I wonder if he does still love me or think of me at all. I feel like we have things unsaid between us, some things not cleared up. But its not like I can do anything about it when he doesn’t want to talk about it. Like in my poems, I can only just stand there and love him silently.

Anyhow, I tried to sleep but my mind kept waiting for my alarm for 6am to wake us up to wash up and get into the cab – he called for the night before – to Changi beach. I hugged my dolphin toy and close my eyes hoping I could be at peace, but no, The alarm rang. We were off to watch the sun rise as planned.

We reached and walked along the board walk and to the beach to catch some shots of the beautiful sky. Orange ball between the trees. Reflection on the surface of the water. The thin black line of horizon. We even tried to climb up the spider web playground to get a better look but the trees blocked our view. After the sun rose, we went to get some breakfast at some Indian stall, talked a bit and disturbed Dhil about his Indian accent, which, by the way, put me into hysterics so many times. Then, went for a quick shower at the beach.

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He looks like a surfer. But the sun was my focus. Jkjk.

We walked to the ferry to take us to the island and I tried to take sneaky shots of him opposite me and I got caught for the second one (guilty as charged).

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My sneaky photo skills

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Sneaky of him....

When we reached, We put on some sunblock and insect repellent as the mosquitoes are not merciful with their intake of blood. Rented some bicycles and off to recce the camp site for the June camp, the wind in my face and the voice of my friends. What could be better? We took some photos for the briefing and off we were to the next location.

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My shirt before it was torn

Chek Jawa. I hated the road I took. It was horribly bumpy and up slope and God knows how much I suffered. But we made it. Rested in a hut as the wild boars came in as a reward for our sighting. It was hilarious when sudden exclaims of “SQUIRRELS!” and what not were heard from my friends. Okay fine. The baby ones do look like squirrels but the parents looks like anteaters. I laughed too badly at this one.

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A family of wild boars that amused me.

We decided to find the tallest tower on the island but on the way, misfortune happens. So, as we were going down slope, the very last one, I was in the lead, going too fast still, while I braked to go slower, My handles swerved left and right uncontrollably and I was going to put my feet to the ground to stop my bike when I flew off my bike, skidded on my left side, I felt the gravel and rocks scape my shoulder and face. The burn of the cuts and abrasion, blood and dirt covered me as I stopped and sat with my head resting on my arms that rested on my knees. The last I remember, I was nowhere near the end of the slope. My eyes closed and breathing, heavy. I tried to ease my own pain but I heard lels shout, “Her face!” I felt Dhil rush to me and open his bag, His voice distant, “I need to wash your wounds”. I tried to look up but everything was spinning. I felt his touch and water streaming on my skin and I heard myself whimpering. I manage to say, “I need to stand up.”

He supported me up and walked me to the nearest hut, which was about a few feet away – that’s when I realized I fell quite a distance -, sat me down and started to work on my wounds. But, I resisted and kept saying no and held his wrist when he tried to wash my wounds with saline, he manage still, to wash as I moved nearer and nearer to the edge of the bench and knocked my head on something. I didn’t realize how badly injured I am, till I saw the huge holes on my shirt. Near my hips and my sleeve. They both kept working on my wounds as I start getting hysterical. Pain does that to me. Makes me go all bonkus. But then the holes weren’t big enough to clean my wound and they had to cut my shirt to clean it up. I was practically half naked by then, not that I mind in front of the both of them. I was mostly out of it. I, now had scars to remind me of this day when I’m out with my best friend and him. And probably not to cycle any time soon.

So, while I was being cleaned up, Dhil asked lels to get our abandoned bikes but she encountered a Monkey situation and dhil had to rescue her. I’m totally laughing typing this out. She was so freaked it was so hilarious. She still tried to protect me, “Come Joy, I have rocks, lets go!! ” OMG. I cannot, Totally just gone. After all the noise she made, we moved to a different hut and they continued to patch my wounds. Then we had another monkey run-in and she freaked again. Dhil and I were just laughing our asses off. Time to move again. I tried to cycle but, My wrist was too painful and then we resorted to walking back, It wasn’t much of a distance so it was pretty fine. But there was a lot of people checking my wounds out as they trekked the island. By this time, We had my shirt pinned up so people would not ogle.

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Its better now

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Still as bad. My left hand is as good as paralyzed.

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Honey on my wound. It stings?!

I, felt like an exotic animal still, as people stared at my now wounded face. We cabbed back to near my place to see a doctor and there was a big reaction from my sweetest friends when the doctor refused to treat me. They were so pissed off and annoyed and I was so touched. Not only that but also the next clinic we went to, they let me get re-dress when it was cutting in to their lunch time. It was just horrible when I saw my wounds and they had to give me a jab, bandage me up and make my nights sleepless with pain.

I don’t feel beautiful anymore. Just scarred. Maybe that’s what I am. I always wondered how it would be like for him if I got into an accident. What would he feel? My thoughts are so complex and fast striking. Why am I thinking about all this? I know I miss us, and I try to look forward to my future. Distract myself. Push myself to do things. Schedule packed so that I no time to think. Keep quiet. Not say anything mean. Be nice. But, I feel myself falling. I feel, trapped. In my own hysterical mind laughing at me.

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