Lately, I have been having a lot of things on my mind, a lot of feelings too. A whole mixture of uneasiness and exhaustion of the mind. I guess that adds up to my constant headache weeks on end with starting a new school, expeditions and competitions coming up and work.
Even when I don’t feel right, I am amazed by how much my mind could still torture me with sweet, loving thoughts of you.
I keep fantasizing about you. Memories replay all the time and I keep dreaming of you. Those dreams can make me feel so happy but then, I fall back to a mood where I know that it wont really happen. It can get a little M18. I didn’t know this kind of love. What it could do to me. The feelings, thoughts and sneaky looks at you makes my heart warm and cold. Sometimes it scares me so much and I enter into an over-thinking frenzy that I can’t control, which inevitably leads to a panic attack.
The reason why I can’t let go of you is for the very reason that, what I imagine true love to be like, how it feels and be in it, I felt it so strongly, that it shocks me. The warmth and tingling feeling when I see you, the shyness that naturally creeps up to me and the cheekiness that makes me want to annoy you till you attack me with a fit of tickles (though I hate being tickled).
I have a best friend, she is a good friend that is kind, caring, stand by her decisions and is an incredible person. We were talking about boys back in secondary school. What kind of a man I need as my partner. She said…” You need someone like me. You’re the type who needs a lot of taking after, someone soft and romantic, but strict to make you think about your decision and get you out of your negative mind. You are easily emotionally attached person, and rely on your partner for assurance.” Honestly, I sound so vulnerable and a whole lot of trouble. But you fit into the perfect position of what my friend explain and I agree that I need that kind of love. Someone who wouldn’t make me feel bad about myself and love me irrevocably.
I thought I needed a bad boy boyfriend cause I was too much of a good girl. I did date a bad boy, and it didn’t do me any good, I actually think it made me such a bitter person that now, I am not the kind you would like. You’re a One of a kind. That many girls would go after, the kind they want to marry. Me, being one of them. But, even more so when we got close and knew each other deeper. I don’t understand how we could love each other like that and yet, can’t be together. Its like you have so much on your hands and blame yourself so much about things and I don’t know what else goes on in your beautiful mind, cause I don’t see much of a problem if we worked it through with effort. I sound like a whiny bitch don’t I? I just… Hate knowing we came so far, so close and we didn’t continue the journey and gave up.
It like a one-sided love affair, One loving, the other thinking. I don’t know. All I do, when things go bad, is lay in bed and let the memories play and hurt so much that I can only let the silent tears pull me to sleep. Its a rough road, a painful one at that, and I still love you despite all. When I ask if you still wished/hope if we could be together, and you said yes, my heart asked, why aren’t we then?
We… could, should. Yet, we aren’t.