Lately

Lately, I have been having a nagging bad feeling through and through.

I’m not sure if its because of what happened recently with the friendship thing going down or its the scary insecure feelings that keeps me up at night.

But its scaring me more than losing my sister in a shopping mall. Its so bad that I start to get breathless and dizzy. Its crashing through me, crashing the walls I built.

Exposed and vulnerable. I’m not sure how to get through this. Its like as if something really bad is going to happen and I have no idea what and when and how to stop it before its too late. I managed to get one thing down on my things to do list but I don’t understand the persistent feeling of trouble.

I hate those dreams that got me feeling the things I shouldn’t and makes my reality clouded with what it is as something from hell. Like… the dream about my best friends dating and I think that is the worse one so far since it has stuck with me and hurting the living lights out of me with so much heartache.

Those dreams mean something and I know it. Now i have so many nightmares that sleeping seems like a scary idea. Especially at night when all my dark demons start to find me, it makes my night so dark. Darker. I don’t know if I should just get anti-depressants so I don’t have to be so freaked. But, I don’t really want to numbed by the pills. I know that feeling. No feelings and all you have is a blank robot mind.

What is going on with me? With my life?

Why does it become worse when it start to seem to get slightly better?

Any ways, its getting late and my headache has start to kick in so… I’m just gonna do a confession cause I think I would just turn beet root red if I said it in front of him.

So….. Yesterday, after a whole day of work ( and all the lactic acid build up in my legs) we locked up the office and walked out. He was waiting for his cousin to pick him up and I knew we had to part ways, and…. when i was about to leave, I took one step forward and was going to hug him by instinct. Luckily, my brain picked it up fast and i took one step back. Holy crap. Then it went on a crazy mode on thinking if i should just ask him for a hug. Gawddamn. This isn’t the first time this has happened and I had to distract my mind from those thoughts and asked him to do the monkey face the kids has been talking about.

THATS NOT ALL. I’m going crazy with all the reflexes that kicks in and my quick crazy mind shooting things at me. I don’t know why the feeling is so strong but yea… I never in my whole life was so natural like that with anyone. I ALWAYS thought twice, thrice before I think to do it or not. Suddenly out of nowhere he opened my hidden side that no one has ever seen and it popped out like a gift. Great. No I have no idea how to keep it back. Where is the lock?

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