What….?

Maybe this is pure speculation or just deep thoughts, maybe it makes sense, maybe it won’t. But all in all, Its rawness from within.

This has been circling my mind for a long time. So many things I want to write, but my schedule is full of focusing in lectures and tutorial that I have no time to sit down at Starbucks with a cup of coffee and write. But since, I’m up earlier than expected and am unable to get back to dreamland, I might as well take this time to write it out then I can have a peace of mind later when I study at work.

So… as my milestone has stated, I have less than a month to my competition and with all that jazz going on with my term test starting on Tuesday… I’m going a little hysterical. Like CRAZY. I have no idea what I did like yesterday in school when I popped my head in the class and shouted “HI!!”. One hell of a crazy bitch. Any ways, TPSC training stopped 2 weeks before term test so we can have time off to study, since then, 3 weeks with no training. I haven’t seen myself improve a bit and I’m slightly ( IM ACTUALLY JUST FREAKING OUT) worried. I’m not as strong as before, I see my strength depleting off faster than a bullet flying through the air. I used to be able to do 9 pull ups in a row and I’m down to just 5. Its just sad and scary cause I’m still keeping my goal to enter finals but… sigh. I have this… thinking… it probably won’t make sense to anyone but it means a lot to me.

The reason why I push myself over-limits every time is because I need to be stronger. Not just physically. The way I think is if I get physically stronger, them maybe mentally and emotionally I’ll be stronger too, then I can protect myself from predators that threaten to do unjustified things to me. Its also to prove to myself that I can be better, that I’m not as bad as people say and think I am. It became a constant need of finding activities to be good at.

So, this leads to my main topic of what I wanted to write about today. Since young, I didn’t have a very good upbringing. I always blamed myself for not being good enough to be able to please my parents. No matter what I do is just not good enough. Not worth it. They constantly question why I have to do it. I can’t explain to them, they won’t understand and I didn’t want to be ridiculed by them. My performances and competitions, I can count with 3 fingers how many times they came to support throughout my life, not willingly at one point of time.

This is where I started thinking if anyone significant in my life would ever support me. I went through my mind thinking who would. My friends? They were there, but I needed someone who knew me well to encourage me, My lil sis? Sure she did come for my competitions and supported me in what I want to do but she was only so young and could only do so much. I looked around me, couples everywhere. Boyfriends coming down to support their girl and hug them when they did good or bad. EVERY damn time I see that happen, I always turn my eyes somewhere else cause deep inside I felt… Sad. I most probably wouldn’t have that at all. Something I realised that seems to happen to the people around me except me. It made me realise that I don’t have a functional family that took time off to support my interest and achievements. I have friends that have more important things to do in their lives and it made me wonder why don’t I have family who is proud of me to come give me support?

So, this time, when I go for my competition, I will have to tell myself that its a battle in me that I have to conquer. No one will be shouting my name with encouraging words, I will be fighting hard with myself and maybe, just maybe, If I fight hard enough someone significant would come to support me. Be proud of me. Hopefully.

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