There.

As I laid in bed after the sunrise, eyes wide open, hugging my pillow the same way since young. I wondered, what I should do today to change my life around? Things started to get boring and I needed something to spice up my ever stressful life of school and work.

I thought of so many things but Nothing seem to fancy me. I used to be that girl who was excited about everything. I guess someone or something put the light out.

I could… stay home and pack my stuff. But then what? Plan for something…? Do some revision? Even as all these all into my mind, my body rejected it. I felt like a patient on life support. Maybe I just need a get away trip, rejuvenate myself or something. Gawds. Even my own mind sound delusional.

I got out of bed and got myself some breakfast. Some cereal in milk. Seems like a good start. Then I went to sit down in front of the television. I didn’t realise that my hands were moving and packing up the mess I had left there before. Weird. I only organise things when I’m angst or not in the right mind. This only meant that I felt uneasy inside. Something is wrong. I knew it. My body was rejecting and protecting itself. What’s wrong? If I don’t control, the panic will consume me. No. no.

Take deep breaths. Deep breaths. That’s right you’re okay. My eyes blurred up with tears.

———————————————————————————————-

When I opened my eyes, I smelled the strong smell of ethanol and sickness. I didn’t have to look around to know I have ended up in the hospital. I dread this place. They never brought me good news.
I watched as the doctor walked in. He said, “You knocked out again, you were lucky your friends decided to pop by and find you on the floor.” He always does that. “Cut the chase, how bad?” I asked. “I’m afraid that I’ll have to change your medication again. Your lungs need something stronger.”

I guess I should have known. The symptoms were there. I was dying. When will I ever come to terms with it? How can I when I have so much hope in myself? How can I give up?
Even as the tears sprung up to my eyes, I told myself… “I’m okay.”

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