Judged, blamed.

I need a break from myself
I feel so uncomfortable in my skin
Discomfort from my own feelings
I don’t feel well.
They are so happy, I have nothing to say.
Maybe I should talk? What do I say?
I don’t want to say something bad. Maybe I should keep quiet if I have nothing to say.
So this is how it is.
Is there still #nowandbeyond?
I’ve lost my best friend, but if she is happy, why do I feel so sad?
What happened to our friendship?
Why is she making things so awkward.
When we are not around, she laugh, we come back, she keep quiet. What a jerk.
So stuck up.
Because I kept quiet, and its wrong.
Because I say something, and it doesn’t sound good.
All this happens and its the matter how people talk about it, how they see it.

Gone is being fair, reasons heard as excuses. I’m not thrilled about it. But I’m human too. I have my down times. I retreat when in uncomfortable situations. I am not good with people. I do the wrong things, and I’m being scolded and blamed for making mistakes.
I don’t know what I look like to people, but I know what I was feeling and thinking, it may not seem like that to certain people, but they don’t know what goes on in my mind.
I’m a mistake, a problem.
And a wise man once told me,
If its a problem, remove the problem.
So, I’ll have to remove me. I feel so crappy for all that happened. The feeling to hurt myself as punishment is so strong I can barely… Stop planning on how to go about it.

Checklist don’t work anymore,
Organising also don’t,
Maybe hurting will.
That’s what I’ve been taught, you make a mistake, consequences need to be enforced.
It just how intense the punishment should be.

I don’t want to cause him further stress and pain, and I can’t believe I’m thinking of it, but maybe I should quit. Then it will be easier for everybody, problem removed.

I should not be thinking about all these but its has become an instinctual habit. I deadly habit. Because It has happened a few times, what would stop it from happening again? From putting me halfway into the coffin?


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