I guess like everything that goes on for me, has a phase it follows, like the moon. Maybe while I keep writing, possibly take down notes on my own emotions and negativity, it might change slightly and make me feel less depress.
Phase Salty Pillows:
Usually this is the part where the Dark Ones come to get me, Feelings indescribably beyond the sadness and the temptation to inflict pain onto myself just to overlook the emotional turmoil I’m going through gets the better of me. In the day, I laugh at things people don’t usually laugh at. I behave like a normal person and hide my suffering of being dragged into the abyss with heavy weights weighing me across the bed of needles faster into the darkness that consumes and feed on my energy, at this point, I’m too lethargic to fight the tiredness. Fatigue kicks in, appetite wanes out, I feel sick.
At night, is when the true body-wrenching, heart smashing terror begins. As I lay down in my dark room, on the bed that gives me the worse backaches ever, my mind tortures me with playbacks of conversations that makes me feel bad about myself, the harsh words of the Dark Ones torments me with every small damn thing they can blame on me with whip-lashing words. I break and crumble faster than I can say… “help me”. Tears flow across my cheeks and drips onto my already salted pillow. Each teardrop hitting the fabric like a pin caressing the floor with a light tinkling, but echoes so loud in my ears. I curl up, to protect my already broken, battered heart. Sobbing hard, my body wracking in pain. When my body is finally weak i close my eyes, and hope that sleep would take me away. But there are times, my restless mind would not allow rest, my body, too uncomfortable to lay still; I would stay awake, tortured by my own mental state, forcing my body to get some rest, because I knew when the sun rises, so do I, and my body won’t be able to hold up, especially my eyes, it would close at will and stay closed at not preferred times.
When I wake from the horror nights of salt water sorrows, my body reacts in either numbness or in pain. Sometimes, the feelings from the night before would be brought over to the next day, that would mean another roller coaster ride of emotions and worry and all the feelings that should not be felt. That is painful. But when in numbness, my mental state is fumbling around and in confusion. My body is okay but just tired and jelly. Sometimes, I meant to take my wallet but end up taking my book or I start forgetting things that are important. In school, lectures and lessons go past in a blur without me absorbing any information, for I am on over-thinking mode and my mind won’t stop reeling. Worry and more worry. Why, what, when, how… That is what spins in my mind. Over and over and over, there is no release. I can’t cry when there are lights. Weird but true. My dark feelings loves the dark. Where no one can see. So much negativity, so many questions. Till the problem is resolved, I’ll be stuck in this abyss. Going around like a mindless zombie with only slow reflexes to guide me. This is what made me anxious to resolve any kind of conflict or problem that arises, cause
i really hate the feeling of emptiness and hopelessness and the anxiety attack that brings me nowhere.
I like this part the best. But they rarely come and they are fast to disappear. But ever since I had a Long break from ITE and moved on to poly, I felt like my mind sharpened and I felt less metal blocked. Which I have yet to decide if its a good thing or not. I guess that is why I have those weird analogy and thinking that no one gets. When I had problems with some people back in ITE, I knew that once I left, I would not feel as crappy as I was. Some – most – people made me feel bad about myself, even in ways they think its a joke but it hurt me a lot that I could not believe they did that. How true. I am coping sort of well in Poly and I think that it could be better. My mental state has not fully developed the way of coping with certain feelings and over-thinking. But its much lesser now than before. I cry lesser these days as compared to the last few years of my life. The reason? A good addition to my life that made some things fall away so naturally. Sometimes I do not realize that some things that I never do before, I started to do them. Some things which I lost when I was not as human, I am still trying to find it back. So many things I have yet to get right, but at least I am taking things on a brighter note. But I have yet been able to reduce the negative side. Its been… a very long time, almost a decade living in this hell hole that I have coped up in. It will take slightly more than awhile to get used to the new positive life that he helped me create. I’m still trying to shape the way I do things but sometimes it slips out of my mind and hands that I do them without control. Then I start the whole cycle of phases again when I start to blame myself for things. I’m an idiot. But, I’m human and make mistakes too. I just hope that I can get my mind shaped up as fast as possible so that I won’t create more trouble for myself or the people around me.
I hope that this cycle would end soon. It is not making me any better, just more anxious and hot-headed. The way I did this post was what i think the last part sounds positive, though from another person’s perception, it may not be so. It did not take me just one day to finish this. It took me weeks and loads of thinking. Its not how i expected it to be but I hate to leave things undone so, forgive my crappy post.