This has always been a touchy, sensitive topic for me.
I have no idea when i started to hate birthdays – rather, my birthday – but i guess it all started feeling like an unappreciated, forgotten, invisible girl.
You see, My birthday falls slightly before Christmas, by then, everyone would have already thought of Santa. It also falls in the holiday season where most people would go out of town, or would not have bothered with anyone’s birthday cause school is out.
The only times i remembered having a party was when i was a kid. Mostly adults and close family attended. Not many kids cause i was the first born among my cousins. Even in primary 4 i had an impromptu birthday party, but mostly adults attended. Godparents and my parents close friends that knew me since young. My parents asked me to call my classmates. but, i knew too well even the ones i liked, hated me. So, I didn’t call. I lied saying they could not make it. I didn’t have a birthday cake either. But my mom spent the whole day making my favourite pastries for the mini party and i considered the sausage rolls that i loved, my cake. I tried to play games with the 2 other kids that my mom’s best friend brought along with my sisters. But it was basically a failed party.
I can’t remember how I developed this hate for birthdays. Don’t get me wrong. I love to surprise my friends or do nice things for them on their birthdays but I just could not find it in my heart to enjoy mine. For the last few birthdays i had, I only remembered crying myself to sleep, while convincing myself that its okay to be forgotten.
I tried to enjoy myself, trying different things every year to end it without tears, but i have not managed to find that miracle. I did not like the fact that i was forcefully pre-matured. I always considered my real birth date to be my birthday. So, I would plan what I wanted to do to make myself smile. But, like i said, I still managed to cry to sleep.
Although I do not like to celebrate my birthday, but I guess I’m curious how it feels like to have friends that surprise you or have close friends to come over for a party or to be the popular kid that gets her birthday celebrated like a princess in school. I’ll never know. I honestly don’t think I want to experience that. I don’t know. Is it better not to know?
Last year though, my boyfriend (now) bought me a cap and a gym bag ( in pink Aztec design!!) and a day before my birthday, my other bestie brought me out to a cafe that was so beautiful and surprised me with a slice of cake with a candle. I’ll never forget the feeling of opening the present in the chocolate cafe, the suspended excitement.
This year though, I have a boyfriend, but i can’t shake the habit of planning something to find that miracle. I decided to book a unit capsule in a boutique hostel for the night after i spend my day doing something ( I don’t what yet ). Sigh. Typing this entry makes me emotional. I still have no idea what I’m thinking. Maybe I’m still that sad, forgotten girl inside.