Deep brink

Deep inside, I can’t describe.
But on the exterior, I’m on the brink of tears.

I don’t know if I’m upset for the right reason. Neither do I know the reason for this. I brushed it away like dust, but it came back with an allergic reaction.

You see, I’m in some tight financial situation. Though i barely scrape through every month, i worry for the next. Work hasn’t been busy for me. Its been amazingly dull an quiet. I barely even got work slots. I thought the pay i was getting for this month was the baseline, but i realised otherwise when my best friend earned a few 100++ more.
She told me that she was leaving. I didn’t want her to. But, i didn’t expect myself to feel jealous when she was part of the trainings for the upcoming competition. She has been getting the same kids and it was consistent. I come in when I’m called and my kids were always shuffled. I feel like I’m so useless. Like a spare tyre. I want to do competitions and be part of it too. But i guess i suck that bad. Who would want me. She had more slots and people like her. I feel like the world is shifting and I’m freaking invisible. Sad to say my PR skills suck balls and people just have a tendency to dislike me.

Maybe she was stating facts but i still hurt inside. The kids look forward to her training. I on the other hand, don’t get that kind of reaction from the kids. She said that she has been offered. Let me repeat. OFFERED. Slots. The NSYS, and PCS. And she felt like Dhil was reluctant to let her leave. Can you feel my pain? I don’t get as much slots as her. And i feel neglected. Use when needed.

Is it the right reason to feel like crying? When i was in the middle of a class and felt so crappy that I just want to walk away and feel sad for myself in a corner?
Here i am, sitting at Starbucks, feeling sorry for myself with tears in my eyes. Good job Joy. Fucking Good job. You suck. And you suck big time.

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