Worse dilemma feelings

Do you know the feeling where you are stuck wanting/needing and what feels safer?

Here is an extremely good example.

My boyfriend had to re-contract his line. He had multiple lines and he needed new phones. He was looking through the phone options for the lines and decided on Iphone 6s. But what I did not expect was him giving the option of giving me 1 ( he got 2 Iphones ). He bought his mom an old Iphone 5 cause she just wanted an Iphone.

But here is the catch, When he gave me the option of having it, I was pretty torn up. I have been wanting to get a new phone cause mine is almost as good as an old Nokia, I have been marveling on getting an Iphone, but I knew I could never afford it, the wishful thinking of maybe one day felt good and safe. When he offered, I felt… dilemma. I felt bad, real bad cause he was going to pay for it and it was expensive as fuck, and knowing me, I’ll secretly place the money in his possession to pay him back. At the same time, If I got that phone, I would feel empty. I wanted it so much, it was the hope that kept me working hard, now that I got it, what would I feel? When he suggested selling the Iphone for the money for our trip in April, I was torn between what’s better and right. So many Ultimatums.

Worse of all is that I have to explain to my mom about the phone if I decide to keep it. She knows I can’t afford it. She would give me hell for getting new clothes when I needed them. A new IPHONE?! She would kill me. Ask so many questions I’ll probably get so frustrated that I’ll have to punch someone. But yea. I just don’t know what the right decision is. Apart from how to feel.

I don’t have fun rich relatives or family that would get me an expensive item. I haven’t gotten a birthday or a Christmas present from my family for as far as I could remember. I don’t have the privilege to hope for that kind of thing. I always had to work hard for something, and sometimes for nothing. That’s why when something good comes along, something that I don’t think people get, I don’t know how to react. I don’t know how to feel. All because I never had the right to ask for something from my family.

What am I doing with my life. What even. I can’t even make up my mind.

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