I can’t remember if i ever did cry in public, infront of everyone without covering my face before. But today i did. In the bus, standing there trying to hold in it for so long, but a single tear streamed down my face and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. My tears free flowed. It was the harshness that sparked the pain in me. Maybe an epiphany that people don’t like me and pushed me aside. Not that I can be bothered, but the fact that i tried building this facade of ” I don’t give a fuck whether you like me or not ” and to see that inside, i still care, it knocked me over. Aside from getting scolded cause i was the problem, clearly, I haven’t changed.
The tears won’t flow for nothing but because for years, I have always blamed myself in every situation, branding myself as the problem but to hear it out loud just made it seem more solid, real. The hope that i was hanging on to that maybe, maybe I wasn’t the problem, it shattered in a nanosecond. I wasn’t gonna have a chance. How foolish have i become?
I haven’t cried for so long and now i feel inconsolable. Lying on my bed, wetting my pillow like i used to. Hugging the pillow so tight and asking myself “why?”