I hope you’re okay, eating well and doing well. I miss you so much. Im sorry for everything. For all the pain, all the hurt i brought to you. I never meant it, it was unintentional. I hope you understand.
I decided to go on a solo trip right after you told me that you are breaking up with me. I thought of going Krabi, our first holiday. I was intent on it, because it was familiar, but after realising that too many memories would flood back and I’ll be depressed and ruining the perfect holiday memory, i decided to do something tiring and risky. Just Yolo and escape from this reality I’m living. This stress and pain of the pain i caused you. This hurt i put myself and you through. I know I’ll never forgive myself, not soon enough.
I book my flights and accommodation but i haven’t planned my itinerary. I have a rough idea what i would want to do. But i booked all this on impulse. I’m not ready. I know i deluded myself to think I’m ready but I’m honestly really scared. I know no one. I’m in a land of people, full of tourist and locals where some may speak my language and some won’t. I don’t know my way around the place but i do know I’m going there for a sole purpose: To scare myself into some soul searching. I’m not there to make friends or have fun – though i hope I will – but to find pieces of myself and create new ones that needs to be within.
I know i will cry a lot while I’m there cause I’ll be thinking of you. Also because if I couldn’t keep my cheeks dry during my OBS 2 day solo, what about 11 days?
I began my research on how to live on a budget and keep myself safe. But i have no guarantee that things will be smooth. Sure, I’m going to talk to myself a lot and i hope the locals don’t lock me up in an institution but i guess things are gonna be a whirlwind for me. My emotions, mental strength and attitude have to change in someplace new. Especially with no one i know who is with me.
I hope that I’ll come back with a new perspective on life. As you hoped for, a positive me.
I can’t sleep, so here i am, writing this letter to you. To let you know that I’m doing this not for me but for us, our future, so we will be able to have a better one. I love you babysaur. Don’t ever forget that.