Going and gone

I don’t know what is wrong with me lately. I can’t handle myself. I scolded myself, i remind myself and yet, its not getting any better. 

Why am i always not on alert when i need to be and slip up on the most crucial timings? Maybe i do need to do the solo trip, get the voices in my head to turn up the volume and listen and analyse things logically. 

But, today, i don’t know why she ( i will not mention names cause this is my thoughts and am not directing my feelings onto anyone)  came and, when i saw her, I panicked. Straight out. I got super stress and I started to walk around the gym, clearing up the place, like in the fastest timing ever. I ran out of things to do. I already told myself to be calm, be calm and always picture how you want to be in situations. No. Straight up panicked and gone. 

My Boyfriend was asking me about it not long ago and he said that he could tell i was in a panic mode cause when he asked me a question, my response was loud, exaggerated and awkward *facepalm, dig a hole and goes inside* DIDN’T I JUST TELL MYSELF TO BE CALM IN ALL SITUATIONS?!?!? Fuck. *bangs head on the wall* 

I feel so damn stupid. Im getting older but not any wiser?! I feel so… Small. In the sense where i am waiting for the ruler of all idiocy to crush me. I swear if my life was a show, it would be Lizzie Mcguire. With all that cartoon voice in her head? Exactly the same thing. Except her life was on such a better scale than mine. 

My Boyfriend also said that I should have talked to her, solve things, to get my Friend back. But all i could think of, was the weak me. The person who can’t think logically, or give a legit response without it getting back at me. Somehow, when i say something, people can overturn it and push it right back in my face twice worse and it isn’t doing me any good cause i was never able to talk back. I never had a sharp tongue i always hoped to have. Neither do i have a calm logical reponse to defend myself. It makes me feel like im always being stamped on, every damn time. Always. 

Never in my life, have I ever, won an argument. By that, i mean that i have always been the one to keep quiet and accept my fate that i was not meant to be able to defend myself and let them whack me over. Of all the times i got into this kind of shit, i either cry, keep quiet or hurt myself when im alone ( and yes, i meant cutting or digging my nails into my skin or hitting my head with my palm – I don’t hurt myself much these days anymore cause i have my sister sleeping beside me and my Boyfriend would be heart broken).

I thought, always have thought, that when i finally have the love of my life by my side, my self-hate and depression would fade away cause he would shine the light so bright that the darkness would hide away. He did shine the light, it was just that my darkness was stronger than i thought. It came knocking on my door at 2am, stabbing me like a notorious killer, making me shed tears that i had not shed in quite awhile. 
Its not a pretty scene. I just have not been in these kind of situations ever. Never. My bestfriends and I have never really fought before, cause they accepted me fully for who i am even when im at my worse. They always tell me and warn me about my behaviour and I appreciate that. Even though they get to tell me “i told you so” Thats why i could not get through sticky situations like this. Ever since my life after high school, its living hell. I meet different people that backstab me and shits in my territory. I honestly feel like flying off and never come back. Leave my problems behind, and run away, as far and as fast. 

But I can’t and so that leaves me with no choice but to go through this painful procedure that I never want to. Solving shit. Don’t get me wrong. I love mysteries and puzzles but i really hate the ones that includes people. I just can’t  deal with people. 

So here i go. How do i solve this? Well, i could text her right? Cause apparently face to face is gonna be hard for me, being a socially awkward kid. Sigh. 

Then the questions come. What if she reads it but ignore? Why can’t i be the one that just fuckcare? Why does it have to matter so much? What if im awkward again? But she already lost my trust? So if we are friends again, can i trust her? Sometimes I don’t really like the way she says things and she is quite a two faced person? What am I supposed to do when i have tried? I screwed things up once, maybe this time I might have made it forever? Fuck me. There is a ton of questions and im not listing all of it here. But you get the picture. 

I guess im going to have nightmares tonight. 😪 

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