There are many times when we talked about marriage, and that has never been off my mind. I imagine my future with you everyday, even now, when you said we are no longer together because you can’t tolerate my nonsense anymore. My negativity. The root of all the problems in our relationship. The stress it brings you, as my manager, the toll it takes on you as my boyfriend, my guiding light and my coach.
Once in our late night conversations, you said,
” I sometimes don’t know when you’ll see it. That I want to marry a positive Joy. The day i go down on my knees with a ring is the day i know i can spend the rest of my life looking at the world in the same light with you.”
I get it now, that i have taken for granted, all the opportunities that you gave me to change my ways and i am now suffering the backlash of my own negativity.
I still hold on to the hope that we would spend the rest of our life together because i refuse to give up on us. I know that i have caused much trouble and doubts and anger till the worst was brought out of you and no amount of apologies will mend that.
All i am left with is my change in attitude and mindset to be a positive person, to be humble, to forgive, to be independent, to be discreet about myself and our life, to be an adult and stop the little joyjoy part of me that keeps coming out, to be thoughtful of your feelings and to be sociable. These are most of the things that you have always tried to correct me on, and i failed to see it till you left me.
Right now, as i am writing this, i am thinking of all the things i have to do with my actions to show you that i can be that positive person you need me to be, not just for you, but also for me. I know sometimes that i overthink and that makes me say and do things that are not right, but i am working on it. I don’t know why i felt so scared to change. The fear that i would be judged cause of change, that people won’t like me, and so many stupid reasons why and i realize now that I just needed to be brave.
Lately, I can’t stand the dark, the fear that the negativity would overtake me again, because that was my comfort place, I feel the heartache through my day, and have never felt emptier in my life without you. I start to tear up at the thought of you, our memories, the small reminders everywhere i go. I miss you, and i don’t want that, i want to love you, in my arms. To make you a happy man instead of angry and stressed person i brought out of you.
Please know i love you, and that i am not giving up on us. Angry as you are at me, I still love you because when i fell in love with you, i accepted everything about you. I will never stop loving you and for you, I will change.