Everyone has felt pain in their life, be it physical or emotional or any other words that ends with “-al”. But the thing is, some of us are addicted to pain, as crazy as it sounds, it’s true.
Take me for example, I have been addicted to pain, since young, all the emotional, mental and physical parts of it. I used to love the dark, because it hides all my pain, no one knows when i was crying or cutting in the comforts of my dark room, and all too soon, i was all hooked up with it like a cocaine addict.
Every time, i received a scolding, or did something wrong, when i seek the comforts of my pillow and imaginary happy place, I wreck myself with blames and insults to the point where I am left exhausted and weak, I wake up and go around my routine of being a zombie.
I was addicted to the comfort of pain, the dark and negatives. I was home, it was cozy, sweet painful pleasure. Sadistic, I know. That was how it used to be. Till i met the love of my life. He showed me light, showed me positivity. But, i was reluctant to let go of the comfort of the darkness. I overthink, I saw the world in black, i was a nasty sight, i was stuck.
All i needed was a hard push, a harsh slap, a hard knock, a shove into the positive light. Like a tube of acrylic paint, dried at the mouth while all the goodness and usefulness of the wet paint resides inside, I just needed to be broken at my dried up, stubborn parts. I just needed a shove, into the unknown, scary positive light.
You may ask why i was afraid of something good. It was because it was something unknown, something i have yet to experience, some place where I do not know if it will last. But i am finally learning about this place, just barely touching the walls made of light and gratefulness. However, I am now scared of the dark, I’m scared i will feel all too comfy when i shut off the lights and all the dark little devils will come to get me.
I’m still fear all the things that is in my head, the voices i hear, that drives me up a wall and makes me do things that i have never put logic to. The overthinking, the questions of judgement, the emotional block that is my defense mechanism, all the “what ifs” and “Why was I so stupid, why did I make that mistake? What was I thinking?!” All this things scares me, but i don’t want to go back to the black hole ever again.
I want to start to feel good about my actions and since i was shoved out to an uncomfortable place, and usually that is the road people need to take, cause it helps you grow, I guess i will hang around in this bright room and slowly shift my things in here. Little by little. Maybe one day, I can make this my cozy home.