Monotone

Everyone has felt pain in their life, be it physical or emotional or any other words that ends with “-al”. But the thing is, some of us are addicted to pain, as crazy as it sounds, it’s true.

Take me for example, I have been addicted to pain, since young, all the emotional, mental and physical parts of it. I used to love the dark, because it hides all my pain, no one knows when i was crying or cutting in the comforts of my dark room, and all too soon, i was all hooked up with it like a cocaine addict.

Every time, i received a scolding, or did something wrong, when i seek the comforts of my pillow and imaginary happy place, I wreck myself with blames and insults to the point where I am left exhausted and weak, I wake up and go around my routine of being a zombie.

I was addicted to the comfort of pain, the dark and negatives. I was home, it was cozy, sweet painful pleasure. Sadistic, I know. That was how it used to be. Till i met the love of my life. He showed me light, showed me positivity. But, i was reluctant to let go of the comfort of the darkness. I overthink, I saw the world in black, i was a nasty sight, i was stuck.

All i needed was a hard push, a harsh slap, a hard knock, a shove into the positive light. Like a tube of acrylic paint, dried at the mouth while all the goodness and usefulness of the wet paint resides inside, I just needed to be broken at my dried up, stubborn parts. I just needed a shove, into the unknown, scary positive light.

You may ask why i was afraid of something good. It was because it was something unknown, something i have yet to experience, some place where I do not know if it will last. But i am finally learning about this place, just barely touching the walls made of light and gratefulness. However, I am now scared of the dark, I’m scared i will feel all too comfy when i shut off the lights and all the dark little devils will come to get me.

I’m still fear all the things that is in my head, the voices i hear, that drives me up a wall and makes me do things that i have never put logic to. The overthinking, the questions of judgement, the emotional block that is my defense mechanism, all the “what ifs” and “Why was I so stupid, why did I make that mistake? What was I thinking?!” All this things scares me, but i don’t want to go back to the black hole ever again.

I want to start to feel good about my actions and since i was shoved out to an uncomfortable place, and usually that is the road people need to take, cause it helps you grow, I guess i will hang around in this bright room and slowly shift my things in here. Little by little. Maybe one day, I can make this my cozy home.

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One thought on “Monotone

  1. I love your post because I can relate to certain aspects of it. Sometimes we are so accustomed to pain that we are sure that it is how its meant to be. I’m glad you are beginning a journey of self worth. Stay happy.

    Liked by 1 person

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