2020

That was the year we planned to get married. 2020. 2 years after i would have finished school. I remember all our conversations, talking about making a family, planning for house, our future, and our little secret. It has never left my mind.

I need you. Now, and more than ever. I can’t live without you. I really can’t. It hurts so much, my chest, i can’t breathe. I can barely eat or do anything. I try, i really do, but the pain is crippling. I know you are in pain too, and you cover it up well. I tried to cover it up too, but inside, i’m empty. I can’t feel my heart.

I understand now, all the things i get angry about, be it my family, or at work, sometimes, they are unimportant for me to get pissed about, and i didn’t see it the way that you do. My negativity, about myself, about socializing, about a lot of things, my words, my lack of thinking about how you would feel about certain things, and the list could go on, and I’m sorry for it. I really am.

I’m sorry for not being so thoughtful at times and hurt you. I’m sorry for the times when you had to deal with colleagues that say that i am a jerk for hurting their feelings and being unable to work with me. I’m sorry that people labelled me and in turn, you got hurt too. I’m sorry that my progress to be more positive was not as fast as you hoped, for a change. I’m sorry that i hurt you with my actions sometimes, be it joyjoy or the person that tried but took the wrong turn. I truly am sorry for every little hurt i brought you.

I know now, my weakness, and i hope that you see i’m working on me too. I need you my love, just as you needed me too. I love you, nothing will ever change that. I hope that with this hiatus – i still can’t bare to say break :(- you will stop feeling the pain i brought you, and we can love again, with the me that has changed, for the better.

I love you morer, don’t ever forget that.

 

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