Control and effect

Lately, I have been keeping track of the pattern of my state of mind and body, and it made me really angst at times and overwhelmed. I sometimes don’t know what to do and it frustrates me cause i wanna get professional help, but i have no financial means to do so.

Every morning when i wake, there are 2 ways it can go. Either i wake up in a panic attack and anxiety takes over or i wake up feeling slightly more calm. Usually calm happens only when you are in my dream, you make me feel safe. Every other day, I wake up hyperventilating like a PTSD patient.

Then comes the light and day, I am more or less okay. Just emotionless, doing my daily grind, things are not so bad when there are people around and things to focus on. But with no one and too much time on my hands, i’m afraid of going home and being alone. Don’t get me wrong, I love my alone time when the house is quiet, but lately? Not so much, cause that’s when the over thinking and pain kicks into overdrive and torture me.

Night is when i usually go insane. Everything crashes at once, the frustration of not being able to feel anything, not happy or sad or grief, it makes my throat close up and no oxygen can get to my lungs. When something changes, anything  ( be it a post on social media or some small thing), my heart pounds against my rib cage hard and my heartbeat drums in my ears, my mouth taste like metal and my nose stings like it got burned. All these physical symptoms due to the emotional numbness. I don’t know how much of this i can take.

I can react how i am supposed to during the day, interacting with my classmates, but any reminder of you, chokes me up and stings my eyes and I can’t cry, and all I can think of is “I love you, I miss you.” I want to be a better person, but I don’t know how much progress i have made, I keep thinking about the past or the future and it scares me a lot. I try to focus on the present, on me, and i realize how easy it is to slip off into the unknown.

I am going out of my mind. I’m getting sick. I barely ate the past week and i know i need to take care of myself but, even when i do eat, i can barely finish a few spoonfuls of food, sometimes i can’t keep the food down and end up nauseous. With my gastric being a problem, I kept to a liquid diet. My body also feels more fatigue and i get dizzy. I let you down, and myself.

I am still keeping a positive mindset that i will be the person that i always thought i would be, you gave me a push and now its up to me to run to the finish line, no matter how tired i am. I will keep going, and maybe at the finish line, i can finally talk to you and say

“Thank you my love, for that push you gave me.”

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