Realization insights

It was the realization that hit when i was watching an episode of one of my favourite Netflix show “House”.  The words hit home and it knocked me quite deep, so I had to just do a post on it, cause well, I can’t write due to 2 fingers being splinted on my dominant hand. Its late, 1 am but i have to get it all down.

I have a social problem. I can’t connect with people. I don’t know how to make a conversation flow, how to reply the right things and not say the wrong things. All this boils down to the fact that I’m number 1, Negative or number 2, feeling fake like plastic and maybe i should elaborate on point number 2.

I feel fake, trying to reply people because that’s just what I’m supposed to do. That’s how everyone do, in society. Connecting with people, to me, feels like i have to be able to understand and empathize with them to be able to bond at a social level. Plus, conversations? They make me bored after awhile, uncomfortable sometimes, to the point where i feel nauseous ( like when you smell something horrible, for me it playdoh, and instantly gag) and weirdly enough, i know that its irrational to feel that.

Let’s get back to the main point of this post or story.

The shows that i have the most interest in, are “House”, “Elementary”, and in some weird context, an anime “Ghost Hunt”. I know this doesn’t sound like anything, but hear me out. If you do watch these few shows, you’ll realize that the main characters have almost the same traits. Being narcissistic, a jerk, uncaring, miserable, ruining their relationship with people, having super good observation and deduction skills, sometimes an addiction and the list goes on.

Then, while i was showering, i wondered to myself, “Am i like that? Being a jerk with my words though i’m just joking or sarcastic? Uncaring towards people that i think don’t deserve it? ” I just could not find that answer to those questions, and its possible that i’m not willing to face and address it or I simply don’t know that, that’s not the right thing to do when i thought it was actually okay.

I’m sure you can see how much of a mental state i am right now, but returning to the one thing that hit me deep was a phrase by the psychiatrist in “House”. He asked “Why do you value your failures more than successes?  You caused him pain, If the world is just, you have to suffer equally?”. That 2 questions hit me real hard, realizing that i do value my failures a lot more, and spend most of my time to antagonize over the fact that i hurt someone.

But the character replied exactly what i would reply when the psychiatrist said, “You apologize and move on.” He replied, “Funny thing these apologies, you say 2 words and move on with your life”. In context, he was trying to say that apologies are not good enough to repair things and just simply move on. I don’t know how to move on from a hurt i caused someone, and just like him, i am lost.

My last few posts have all been about saying i’m sorry for not being good enough or the hurt i brought upon the love of my life, and even now, I feel like i haven’t said enough sorry cause nothing is getting better, I’m not getting better. It’s like my sorry has no more weight. Not even I can save myself anymore.

I need help. Professional help. To that, I admit that I need. I can’t do it by myself anymore. I tried so long and hard, each time, people just give up on me, and I feel myself giving up too. I’m subtly slipping away into that void, getting deeper each day. I feel so suffocated. I can barely keep a straight head with all the swirling thoughts that evoke my emotional state. I can’t breathe.

Please, Help Me. Don’t Give Up On Me.

 

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