Lately, I have been writing so many letters to you. Be it on this blog or in my mind when it wanders to you. It has been tough. Sometimes, too tough and I just want to run away to a different country and cower on a bench in a thunderstorm and cry. But i can’t.
I keep looking at you whenever I could, memories would flood back and i keep blaming myself for screwing up. At work, sometimes you’ll be nice to me i would savour every last drop of it cause if we were ever alone, you’ll be fierce and ice-cold and I would be hating myself for every second of it. I guess that why they say love hurts.
There were times when I would just want to talk things out with you. I would want to beg you and tell you how sorry i am. But i didn’t want to screw it up any further, but i fear that the longer i take, you will get further and further.
My heart aches every day, and sometimes, anxiety kicks in and puts me on overdrive, yet I am too lonely and in pain to get up from bed to face the world. I dare not venture out to places because i know that i would end up somewhere with memories of us and i didn’t want to ruin the perfect memories i have.
I don’t go to the movies anymore, nor do I go to places where we used to. It’s just too hard for me.
I went into destructive mode, I cut and i drank but it just wasn’t for me. It just didn’t fit right with me. I felt like i needed to exert all that bubbling emotions somewhere. To release all the hatred and anger and pain. At first, I had my journal of goals to work on, but after my fingers got splinted, I had no way of letting my emotions out. I could not punch, i could not write or exercise and i suppressed all of the anger and pain right inside my small body and waited for it like a time bomb to explode and implode. It feels horrible.
I honestly cannot wait to get my splint off, and stop feeling broken and disabled. Then at least I would feel more empowered to get myself back up and start making a leap of change.
I know something will knock me back down again, but for that small window, I just need to feel better about me, about a positive change, to know that there is hope and get better again.