Lately, things have been getting pretty rough at work, I mean, if your Boss ask you for a meeting, that gotta count as really crappy already right?
Well, I’m hoping to just wrap my head around certain things that I found out a few days back which really shed some light on some things that happened a few years back.
So i had a great talk with one of my oldest colleagues and we talked about stuff till way back when things started to get messy and it all started with a misunderstanding and judgement opinions. Somehow along the way, jealousy and sensitivity and immaturity crept in.
I’m going to use letters to symbolise some people in this post.
L (Ew, I dislike this bitch so much for coming in between my rs, also former close friend);
D ( Love of my life )
S ( D’s former partner at work, my ex-colleague)
N ( Oldest colleague i know, aka crushing on my BFF )
So it all started with a pact, between close colleagues. The one pact which most probably made the whole trouble start because, well… pacts are pretty strong right? The pact of not dating another colleague no matter how much they liked them. But, he fell for me, and I, him. There was so much… drama? Just in this story alone. Some makes me sick as hell, some just makes me go… “Are you freaking serious? I got into so much shit cause of another person’s insecurity?” Sounds sucky? Yea, it gets worse.
Carnival, rumours flew like pizza in the air, of L dating D. Which well, threw off the scent of D and me attraction for each other. But soon, things started to come out of the bag and that is where all the shit started.
After S, someone that work very closely with D found out that he liked me and was well, dating me, she got all insecure and jealous, at least that was what i gather from all the info i have gotten so far, she said things like ” D doesn’t care for me anymore, he doesn’t comfort me anymore.” and when i heard that, I was like… ” WHAT?! he wasn’t even hers to act like that?!!?” Even though she was a very sensitive person, she really shouldn’t have joked so hard about not wanting to work alongside with me.
Do you know why? Cause i was scolded really badly by D and colleagues misunderstood me really badly to the point of me getting suspended from work. It all started out as a misunderstanding, cause one’s person opinion of me and things escalated real quickly from there on.
I was called a jerk, for her insecurity. Untactful, when i wasn’t at fault. Naive, for trying to see the good in others, even when they hurt me real bad. I could list all the things i was called but that isn’t the focus here.
I don’t know how things happen, or escalated fast like that, but hey, L was supposed to be someone i could rely on, but i learnt the real hard way that she was just a user, and i, a tool. We once had an outing with a bunch of colleagues, and well, lets just say L planned the outing, some dinner and a little of hanging out. I thought that since she was a close friend, she would sit beside me, in between S and i, but nope, and S made it worse by asking me “Do you want to change seat?” Then i wondered if she asked that because of L sitting beside her or D that was sitting in front of her. Oh, now that i see that she was just jealous that i was with him. But, after me and D left early for the night, we only showed up to the outing to show face but we already had plans. We were being nice. And i, was particularly quiet during the dinner, i was upset already and L blamed me for that. Good lord, please help me. Maybe i wasn’t behaving myself that well, but i am an emotional person and have problems with social interactions. I had nothing to input in more than half of the topics they talked about.
Of course, L had to voice her disappointment to S about the outcome of the outing. That was definitely where shit went down further.
Apart from the fact everyone was kinda angry that D dated a colleague, Me; we already had our own problems. L had to make it worse. I regret our friendship and telling her the things about our relationship. It really did not help. She doesn’t remember the times i stayed up till 3 and ready to go to her rescue while she went out to the club and felt unsafe? The time i went over to her place at 11pm and stayed past late into the night to talk to her about her ex cheating on her? She only could remember the time where i “talked differently” to her crush? and how i did not have the courage to patch things up? Well, fuck her. I tried. She just didn’t see it, or maybe refuses to see it, and even if she did, IT WAS NOT ENOUGH FOR HER. She can go screw herself.
L doesn’t see the things she does that hurts me? Well, she is a total bitch, and yet, I still tried to be nice to her, even though she had no intention of patching our friendship and i quote ” I was only doing it for D”. Well well. The way she referred to D, how she threw my relationship failure in my face, and act totally different in front of him when i am around, making the tension between us grow at work in front of colleagues. Wow. She still had the brain to put all on me? and yet she claims to “reflect on the things she did”. I’m sure she did. Yea, she totally did not.
I can’t stand the fact that now, he is so distant from me, and working a lot more with her. It sickens me. Makes my anxiety level shoot up so high i feel like tearing my skin inch by inch. It makes me wanna do risky things. Somehow i should feel something that tells me that all these are wrong, but i don’t. I have a list of risky things I’m determine to fulfill, and this time, no one is stopping me. I don’t know if i can stop myself. In rare cases i could. But this time? I’m afraid that I have nothing left to lose, after i lost D, I lost everything along with him.
I have nothing left to lose.
PS. Not everything that happened is in here. There is at least 2 years worth of this i could talk about, but my mental function is really low right now. Plus, I am still trying to figure out my anxiety that links to certain supernatural shit that happened to me. I know that sounds sketchy but it did happen.