Pouring Wednesday

This morning I woke up with plans to go for a climb with my buddies and then go for ballet at night cause it was a Public Holiday. But then, I stayed in bed and felt an oncoming attack of pain i have never felt before.

I rushed to the toilet, hoping that it may pass out and then pain would subside quickly, however, I sat in the toilet for a damn long time, 45 mins to be exact and while my bowels try to do its work, I felt like vomiting but i had not eaten anything yet, and the sharp, hot pain seared my tummy like it was burning a hole in a steel wall. All this time, water, yes water, not sweat, poured out of my pores and soaked my clothes and pool on the floor.

All I could think about was, “Is this what i was hoping for? My death? Slow and torturous? No don’t think that. I need Dhil. You’re so stupid. Why did you mess up? What would you have told him if you were smarter and still together? Baby i feel like I’m dying, it hurts so bad. He would have comforted you, probably send you a care package, meet you later that day just to hug you so you’ll feel okay. But no, there you are sitting alone, freaking out and feeling sorry for yourself. You deserve this. I hope you get really sick and end up in the hospital soon. Maybe you’ll get a rare sickness but miraculously recover after a while. Who knows? Stupid stupid.”

It was such a long monologue, it felt like I was there writhing and needed to cry in pain but all i could do was hyperventilate and try not to lose every sane part of me that i have left hanging on a thing string called insanity.



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