I have avoided all places of memories of us.
I tried to, but sometimes I had no choice but to go or maybe my legs brought me there intentionally.
Not even the movies, no, I have not stepped into a theater since that day. No one to lie my head on, or hug when I’m cold, or turn my head to to cry when the movie starts to work my emotions up.
The one place that we both love, our time capsule, seemed to be the only one I have left untouched. I guess it’s too painful.
But I did have some thoughts on going back. Just sit there, where we kissed and cuddled and talked about our future. Let myself dive into the world of memories where we hammock in the sun, napped and picnic and had so much fun.
I know that if I do that, i would be destroying myself, and while that happens, and it rains, it may wash away some of me. The broken pieces, falls to the ground and seeps into the earth where we once talked about burying a time capsule for our future children.
We talked “When” not “Ifs” and that what breaks me. We were so sure that we were going to the moon and never come back but i screwed up. I acted out and i ruined us, i ruined our “When” and everything became “ifs”.
I am so sorry. I know my sorry has been too much it has lost all its meaning. But i don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like, now, even looking at me disgust you and its so self-harming, but what can i do?
There are too many self-harming thoughts that feels so strong i am on the verge of doing it. I AM Losing it. Losing myself. I think, maybe that’s the only thing i can do. Lose me.
Not even i will miss me 😦
What a sorry state I have been.