Foggy

I am feeling horrible. I am feeling the effects of an allergic reaction to my cousin’s cat and my eyes are swelled up so bad that half my eyes are gone. I look like a fat Asian flat-face which obviously makes me look crappy. I don’t feel too good either, emotionally because of an anxiety attack so here goes nothing.

I won’t lie. I won’t say I am doing fine, cause i know that I’m not.
I miss him all the time, i think about him so much, it hurts. But i can’t stop. I get so anxious because of my over-thinking it has become an unhealthy habit.

There have been so many times, I just want to leave everything behind, and start anew. Just go somewhere unknown, live a new life, by myself. Be an island. I’m afraid that i might do that. I don’t want to leave him behind. I am such a mess.

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I can’t lie. I don’t like to lie. I just tell the truth, the diverted truth. I hate being caught in the middle of things i did not do. I sometimes get lost and just let everything drop. Start thinking, was it really my fault? I let the long grueling process wear me out and feel so terribly bad about it.

Why do people do the things they do knowing that it will hurt others in the long run?
When they say they do reflect on the things they do, do they ask themselves if the consequences, even if it falls on others are something they can morally bare? or do they just take it like it is because it ain’t their problem when the other person is feeling the heat about it and they walk away unscathed of their own reputation? Do people really see the truth about the situation or remain blinded because it is just easier that way? What about the person that got hurt?

I keep questioning myself, if i should put the voice recording of the things she said up, let people really see her like she is. I have never really say things outright, for the sake of saving that person’s feelings. I say it in more subtle ways, hidden ways, but they really don’t see it. Maybe I am an idiot. A scared one at that. But only because I do not like to hurt others.

But in many ways, i have hurt them. But then again, they have the choice of being nice about it or the evil. I guess most people chose to be the evil one. To save themselves, let the other get run down. So much evil in the world. What have we turned the world into?

Am i going crazy? I feel different. I don’t know if i am to others. Maybe I am deluding myself. Maybe i am just going crazy.

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