Only love can hurt like this

Here I am, sitting in soup spoon in PS, sipping a bowl of spicy tomato soup, looking diagonally across to the table where we once sat, memories flood back and the song playing does not help to hold back the tears waiting to spill over into my soup.

This morning, was brutal. I went for a school coaching with him, and we never spoke to each other at all, i felt like the silence was so deafening it reverberated and broke my heart. In the bus he sat on the outer edge and put on his earphones. Shutting me out completely. He never did this to anyone else but me. I felt like i was being punished.

Holding back the tears is proving to be harder than eating this soup right now. I feel like i need to be in an enclosed space to just let my tears pour. Its overwhelming me. Am i weaker than I thought?

I think i need to declutter my mind by decluttering my room so i can finally sit myself down and face the problems that is right in my face but I have a mask, unwilling to face it raw.

I really want to be courageous and be brave and talk to him. But Im so afraid of what he will say after. I don’t want to expect anything but this fear is gripping me. The regret? Its making my insides rot.

Im sick.

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