White

Lately, I have been obsessed with white. White shirts, white shoes and white things.

I was choking up this week and i finally decided to pick out a heart from the Jar he gifted me last year on my birthday, it was white.

I held the heart in my hands, as white as the pills sitting just a reach away on my table. My eyes kept shifting to the white pills. It so close, and its calling me to take one. Just one. I’m fighting so so hard now not to reach out, I am going crazy. Crazy from this pain.

I stared at the name burning into my eyes on my phone. His name, and underneath, the status read; “online” at 1 a.m in the morning and it remained that way for almost an hour. It crushed me. It was like my gut was telling me things that i know i never would want to accept. I can’t even type it out here and its haunting me.

My heart aches, it hurts so so bad and i hadn’t realized that my hand went for the scissors standing in my pen holder and I started scratching and stabbing my own chest. Am I going crazy?

Maybe it would help the heartache. Wouldn’t it?

Its so easy Joy, just pop one, maybe a few and go to sleep. Where nothing but white waits for you at the other end. White noise, no more.

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